Are you exhausted by your child’s resistance to everything you ask her/him to do? Does it seem that no matter what your demand, the child defiantly refuses to cooperate? Do you end up pleading, nagging or yelling and getting nowhere?

Children usually start to test their power between 1-2 years of age. This is the same time they start to develop a sense of self. It is the time when they no longer look at the reflection in the mirror and see another baby. They now recognize the reflection as their own self.

A child’s defiance can make a parent’s hair stand on end, whether it is a toddler refusing to pick up a toy, a middle-schooler talking back or a teenager resisting doing household chores. Rather than allowing these challenges to turn into power struggles and making everyone miserable, there are steps that can be taken to avoid conflict and help the child learn valuable lessons about respect and cooperation.

According to Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, Ph. D., the first step is to choose your battles carefully. Decide which are the absolute rules or limits that are non-negotiable and that you must enforce. Then, when you do have to make a request or set a limit and your child resists then try the following.

Acknowledge your child’s feelings. When kids grumble, they often just want to be heard. But stand firm on your limit or demand every time the issue comes up. Once the decision has been made about non-negotiable expectations, you can’t waver. The child needs to see that whining or resistance will not wear you down.

Within those absolute limits, offer choices as much as possible. Calmly state what the consequence will be if the child does not comply within the next few minutes. Make sure the consequence is reasonable and fits the crime. Then step back and allow time for compliance. By stepping back, the child is allowed to save face and to choose to comply.

Should the child choose not to comply, impose the promised consequence swiftly and matter-of-factly. Shouting or bombarding the child with angry words will not do any good at this point.

Once the consequences have been imposed, move on without holding a grudge. The lesson should speak for itself. Moving on allows the child to see that she can start fresh the next time.

From time to time all children will be defiant. One of the biggest gifts you can give your child is to hold them accountable to their emotional impact on others. If done with curiosity and non-judgment, it will work. These strategies will take the fight out of potential power-struggles and strengthens the child’s emotional intelligence. Children will learn how to control their emotions instead of having their emotions control them.

For more information, contact Anna Peele, Extension Agent, North Carolina Cooperative Extension Service at 910.592.7161.