Playful shenanigans at the theater

To be, or not to be, that is the question!

While scampering from pillar to post in an effort to select the perfect attire for a day at the theater, this budding thespian recited the infamous line from William Shakespeare’s play Hamlet as I finally decided upon a light blue button-down shirt with matching navy slacks and a pair of black dress shoes after glancing at my reflection in the mirror.

Ever since participating in my very first dramatic presentation – The First Thanksgiving – as a bashful kindergartner, I had taken part in numerous school Christmas concerts besides performing in a few scripted re-enactments with various family members over the years; and now I was going to have a rare opportunity to experience a genuine playhouse.

Along with every other fourth through sixth grader in the half-dozen elementary schools across the Ellwood City Area School District, I would be attending a magical production – Cinderella – at the Lincoln Junior-Senior High School auditorium which would be presented by students from a pair of high school drama classes under the direction of Marjorie Wetmur that very afternoon.

It was all I could think about while reciting the Pledge of Allegiance!

Following a truncated class schedule in an attempt to pack all of our subjects into the first half of the school day, the conversation quickly shifted to the impending crosstown trip to the mammoth red-brick building at the top of Fifth Street as these sixth graders descended into the bowels of the primary school to the cafeteria.

Just how big is this performing arts center?

“It’s one ginormous room,” trumpeted Jeff Olinger with a triumphant voice while stretching out his hands as wide as possible at the lunch table. “When they have all-school assemblies, they cram over one thousand students in grades seven through twelve and still have room leftover; because both of my older brothers – who go to Lincoln – have firsthand knowledge.”

“Hopefully, they seat us in the balcony,” interjected Sean Speilvogel with considerable optimism after taking a swig of his delicious chocolate milk. “Considering there are actually three of them – the main one with two more on the sides, it is the absolute best place to sit in the entire amphitheater; because it gives you a bird’s-eye view of the stage.”

Upon climbing aboard the big yellow submarine following our thirty-minute lunch period, we traveled through the main artery of the mid-size industrial city north of Pittsburgh and disembarked the diesel transit along Crescent Avenue at the foot of the massive edifice.

Shortly after walking up the two-tiered steps, my sixth grade class was ushered to the front of the theater and seated in the center section where this bug-eyed stripling stood to take in the splendid magnificence of the gargantuan space; whereupon nature came calling for my intimate friend and me.

Not long after garnering permission, we skedaddled off to the foyer and almost instantaneously bumped into Robert “Robbie” Brough and Robert “Mags” Magnifico – who were also headed for the restroom.

Once this foursome stepped into the small lavatory which was neatly tucked underneath the staircase leading to the balcony, we immediately noticed there was a limited number of bathroom fixtures – a lone toilet stall with an oversized urinal and a pedestal sink – before closing the door behind us; after which it was every man for himself.

Immediately after I made a beeline to the porcelain throne behind the safety of a giant partition, the chums from Hartman Elementary scurried to the would-be horse trough which left the sandy blond with spectacles crossing his legs to keep from springing a leak all over the tile floor.

It’s a good thing I didn’t have to squeeze a loaf, because there wasn’t a single piece of toilet paper anywhere in sight.

Unable to hold it a minute longer, Jeff climbed atop the freestanding sink next to the window to empty a full bladder as the weight of his belt caused the dark brown slacks to fall well below the waistline exposing two plump melons.

Look, it’s a full moon in the middle of the day!

“Did you say there wasn’t any toilet paper,” asked Mags with a questioning look in his eyes upon glancing over at me exiting the water closet. “Since it appears there isn’t any paper towels in here either, hopefully none of youns tinkled on your hands; because we certainly can’t wash them without any of that brown sandpaper.”

“What’s this about a full moon,” I queried with a spring in my step prior to looking down to make sure ‘Mister Zipper’ was pulled up. “When I flushed the commode, I thought it was going to suck me down the drain right along with my lemonade stew; so, it was very difficult to hear the gist of the conversation.”

“Your buddy here just mooned us,” snickered Robbie with a gleam in his eye as he lightly patted me on the back. “When he climbed on the sink to relieve himself, his britches fell down around his knees; and his derrière was literally starring us in the face since he wasn’t wearing any tighty-whities.”

Considering my mother forgot to do the laundry, I had to go commando!

As this pack of laughing hyenas made a quick exit, we ran headlong into a lone custodian armed with several rolls of toilet paper and a bundle of paper towels.

Better late than never!

At the end of the once-in-a-lifetime event, I spotted the Bobbsey twins standing on the two-tiered steps and waved to them from the bus window before we pulled away from the curb.

“That black-haired boy is Robert Magnifico,” divulged Alan Franz with a mischievous look splashed across his face when pointing to the boon companions from inside the school bus. “If you ever decide to become friends with him, you better be on your best behavior; otherwise, you might land in the pokey since he’s the youngest son of the police chief.”

The seed of friendship had already been planted!