Caught in the crosshairs!

Immediately after my father informed a gang of juvenile delinquents – the Burnouts – who were camped out on the south steps of Northside Elementary School that law enforcement officials were on their way, a scruffy long-haired high school dropout removed an archery bow from its protective casing and loaded it with an arrow before aiming the lethal weapon directly at the blond-haired minister as he strolled across the street toward the church parsonage.

However, the Bible scholar walked away from the chilling incident totally unscathed, because he was a living, breathing testament to the scripture verse found in Psalm 23:4 – Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me – which granted him the ultimate protection in the face of danger.

It’s just a good thing the would-be criminal didn’t have an itchy trigger finger, or he could’ve easily been facing a first-degree murder charge and life in prison without the possibility of parole.

As an eyewitness to the terrifying altercation from its unimaginable inception, this wide-eyed sixth grader wholeheartedly believed that it was a divine intervention from on high.

Shortly after Brother John Swan – a charter member of the Ellwood City Assembly of God – gave a heartfelt benediction for the Sunday evening service, a handful of teenyboppers quickly paraded out the main entrance of the colossal red-brick building with stained glass windows facing North Street to discuss the youth group’s impending trip to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania for a Christian concert.

“I’m looking forward to seeing The Imperials next month,” announced Dawn Arkwright with flushed cheeks as she attempted to hide her nervous excitement for the live performance. “Since seating will be on a first-come, first-served basis, we need to arrive at the venue at least two hours in advance; so, we’ll have a better opportunity to obtain the best seats in the house.”

You’re just itching to see their lead vocalist Russ Taff with his handlebar mustache and long brown locks.

When the other teenage girls joined the giddy conversation about which band member they thought was the bee’s knees, the cigarette smoking would-be gangsters across the street began shouting lewd comments as well as making numerous obscene gestures in their general direction.

Tired of listening to the foul mouth hooligans perverted commentary, the God-fearing young ladies decided it was time to return fire with a few pointed remarks of their own.

Even if you were the last man on earth, I wouldn’t touch you with a ten-foot pole!

Meanwhile, this stand-up comedian was laughing it up with several of his comrades from Royal Rangers – all of whom attended the Pittsburgh Pirates incredible blowout at Three Rivers Stadium the previous Friday – about how a trail of toilet paper “inadvertently” followed him from the restroom upon stopping at a nearby McDonald’s for a bite to eat.

“That was a stellar prank,” admitted James “Jimmy” Bubb, Jr. with a hint of laughter in his voice when reminiscing about the hilarious escapade at the expense of the Straight Arrows commander. “When Ronnie Popoff tried to get it off your shoe, you began running from him in the opposite direction; and by the time it was over, he was wrapped up like a mummy for Halloween.”

I’ll have to bring my Uncle Ronnie a roll of toilet paper Wednesday night!

Directly after the Allen brothers – Dan, Huck and Jimmy – hatched an ingenious plan to decorate the youngest of the Rangers bunkhouse with toilet tissue, they overheard the salacious statements coming from the opposite side of the painted asphalt that were hurled like pornographic grenades at their female counterparts.

“Could you repeat that,” questioned Dirk Arkwright with arms flailing prior to stepping down to the sidewalk where he defended his sister’s honor. “If you step over to our side of the street, my friends and I will be happy to rearrange your face; so, you’ll behave like a proper gentleman the next time you come across a member of the fairer sex.”

As soon as one of the long-haired hippies shattered a beer bottle and sauntered down the front steps of the educational institution wielding the jagged glass in his hand, my lifelong roommate and I scurried back into the sanctuary with great haste to notify our Dad – along with a couple of other men from the church – about the unfolding scene taking place outside.

“There’s going to be a rumble,” warned this would-be informant with eyes as big as saucers while giving a brief synopsis of the heated exchange. “When the Burnouts started saying nasty things to the teenage girls, Dirk Arkwright threatened to give them a beatdown; and now one of those thugs is coming after him with a broken bottle.”

Someone’s definitely going to get hurt!

By the time my big brother John and I ran back out the side entrance to the giant red-brick edifice with the tall clergyman and a pair of deacons hot on our tail, the half-cocked hoodlum – who was about to set foot on the church property – was swinging his makeshift weapon making idle threats with several of his fellow gang members standing in close proximity.

In the interim, the leader of the teenage ruffians slipped away behind the primary school only to return minutes later with a hand-held carrying case.

Get back on the other side of the street!

Once the local pastor gently persuaded the rebellious bunch back to the darkened entrance on the south steps of the gargantuan red-brick building, he read them the riot act about their unruly behavior and the constant need to antagonize parishioners before and after every single Sunday and Wednesday evening church service.

It needs to stop!

Several minutes later when police sirens could be heard from a few blocks away, the juvenile delinquents scattered like a pack of rats racing through a sewer to outrun a torrent of water headed their way.

With the enemy “literally” at the gates, I prayed for God to wrap his full armor around the man of the cloth during my bedtime prayers; so, he could take a stand against the devil’s schemes, as it is written in Ephesians 6:11.