Becoming a legit member of the crew

“Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.”

Shut the front door!

For those who still may be rubbing the sleep from their tired eyes as they open up the newspaper to read my weekly column, you might think I was witness to President Abraham Lincoln delivering the Gettysburg Address on the hallowed ground in a Pennsylvania field, where one of the bloodiest battles was waged during the War Between the States.

However, this is not “Back to the Future,” and my name is certainly not Marty McFly; nor do I own a souped-up DeLorean.

Instead, it was the humorous way our brand-new church youth group president – James “Jimmy” Bubb Jr. – chose to begin his acceptance speech that uniquely broke the ice and helped him feel more relaxed in front of a captive audience hanging on his every word.

In addition, it was the very first meeting of Christ’s Ambassadors — the official name of the Assemblies of God youth organization — in which I became a legit member of the crew.

After attending a plethora of youth activities such as bake sales, Christmas caroling, evangelistic outreach and the harvest festival — not to mention the annual youth convention since he was knee-high to a grasshopper — this self-proclaimed social butterfly was finally inducted into what he regarded as the most exclusive club on the third rock from the sun when they convened for their inaugural gathering of the new school year.

When Aaron Pellicano and I — both mild-mannered seventh-graders — were recognized as the newest constituents for the circle of close-knit companions, it felt like we were joining the Knights of the Round Table and being dubbed as defenders of the faith by King Arthur himself.

Not only was Mom my newly-appointed Sunday school teacher, but she also served as the celebrated youth director for the Pentecostal church — a beacon of light for lost souls — on the north side of the mid-size industrial community situated 40 miles northwest of the City of Champions.

Let’s put a plug in those idle conversations for the time being!

“Our first order of business is to select new officers for the year ahead,” announced the dark-haired brunette with an authoritative tone as she clapped her hands to capture everyone’s attention. “These individuals will take charge of all your extracurricular activities as well as fundraising ventures for Speed-the-Light — the youth missions program — and the annual youth convention on Easter weekend.”

Shortly after the popular Lincoln High School junior was unanimously elected as our fearless leader, Dirk Arkwright was given the nod for the vice presidential post following a second ballot; whereupon Jeannie Mars retained her multi-faceted position as secretary-treasurer for a third consecutive year after running unopposed.

As Jimmy stepped up to the podium reciting the familiar words from an iconic speech given by our 16th president at an inflection point during the American Civil War, it put a clever and entertaining twist on his initial address to the multitude of his would-be minions seated on the main floor of the fellowship hall located in the underbelly of the giant edifice.

“Listen up all you movers and shakers out there,” professed the newly elected commander-in-chief with his hands fully extended when sharing the details of the first fundraiser of the fall season. “We’ll be having our annual hoagie sale on the last Saturday of the month, which will give us one day shy of four weeks to take orders for the mouthwatering delicatessen sandwiches.”

“Everyone’s help will be required to make this business venture a monumental success; and I’ll need youns to be here promptly at 9 am to form an assembly line to make the edible products before hand delivering them to each and every customer,” he added while wrapping up his remarks.

While Dawn Arkwright and Debbie Bubb quickly passed out hoagie order forms to every single youth member in attendance, our illustrious second in command — who was one heartbeat away from the presidency — laid the groundwork for the prizes to be given out to the top sellers at the conclusion of the fundraising event.

“I’m about to share some very noteworthy news,” divulged Dirk, expressing a great deal of enthusiasm upon gripping the sides of the metal lectern stand. “Whoever is the fundraiser’s top hoagie seller will receive $25 in cold hard cash, and the second-place finisher will get one free large pizza with the works from Johnny’s Pizza.”

“To round out the free giveaways, the third-place winner will be the proud recipient of a free entrance and skate rental from Ellport Roller Rink,” he added prior to stepping off the raised platform.

This would-be entrepreneur’s interest was piqued when his self-appointed guardian angel mentioned twenty-five greenbacks!

Before the minister’s wife shared a story from the Book of Genesis about Adam and Eve’s blame game upon eating from the tree of knowledge of good and evil, Jeannie — a financial wizard in her own right — reviewed the youth group’s running bank balance as well as delineated the budgets for Speed-the-Light and the annual youth convention.

“Now, let’s dive into the fun stuff,” interjected the long black-haired young lady flashing her pearly whites upon discussing her most favorite season of the year. “Believe it or not, there are only 114 days until the Big Man in Red comes down your chimney; so, we’ll begin practicing for this year’s youth Christmas play the first Sunday in November.”

“Together with that,” she continued her discourse while drawing in the small crowd. “We’re planning to do a little Christmas caroling on Lawrence Avenue on the third Saturday in December, which will coincide with the busy holiday shopping season; whereupon we’ll have a holiday gathering at the church parsonage.”

Although I had high hopes of portraying Joseph in this year’s presentation of the nativity production, I had bigger fish to fry with figuring out a way to become the top hoagie seller for our annual fundraiser to be awarded 25 smackeroonies.

Cha-ching!