“Do not be afraid, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which will be to all people” (Luke 2:10 NKJV).
An angel miraculously appeared in the night sky, shining like the noonday sun, to proclaim that wondrous announcement on the outskirts of Bethlehem, while shepherds, who were keeping watch over their flock, trembled at the sight of the messenger sent from God.
As the sheep herders dropped to their knees, the celestial figure continued by saying, “For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord” (Luke 2:11 KJV).
The angelic being went on to say, “And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger” (Luke 2:12 KJV).
“And suddenly, there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, ‘Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men’” (Luke 2:13-14 KJV).
While some might imagine they’ve been transported back to the “City of David” when a bright star appeared over the Judaean village more than 2,000 years ago, what you’re actually witnessing is the dress rehearsal for the Nativity, performed by the youth group at Ellwood City Assembly of God the Saturday before Christmas 1979.
“May I have your attention,” stated the minister’s wife, clapping her hands in an effort to get the talkative teens to focus. “While the boys’ dressing room is in the Hi-Teen Sunday school classroom, the girls will use the Sunday school office on the opposite side of the platform to change into their costumes.”
“Barring any unexpected mishaps,” she continued, giving us a rough estimate of when we could expect to finish. “We should be able to get through this dress rehearsal within an hour, so we’ll get started as soon as everyone changes into their biblical attire.”
With that said, we made our way to the makeshift changing rooms on either side of the main stage at the front of the cavernous sanctuary.
“If I didn’t know better, I’d swear I’d just seen my second full moon of the month,” I expressed, after closing the door behind me.
All the other boys glanced over at David “Huck” Allen donning a jock strap, bending down to remove his faded blue jeans.
“Jumping Jehoshaphat!” squealed the stand-up comedian after Dirk Arkwright snapped the elastic straps wrapped around the base of his partner-in-crime’s plump melons. “Keep it up, and I’ll throw you into the Colosseum with all the other gladiators to fight to the death.”
Shaking in my boots, Your Royal Exhibitionist!
“It’s a good thing you have a short speech,” noted John, slipping into his shepherd’s costume. “Since your royal robe is basically a free-flowing gown, it’s going to be a little drafty in your nether regions.”
“Need I remind you that there are no small parts, only small actors,” explained Huck, putting on the virtual mini skirt with a matching sash. “If it weren’t for yours truly, Jesus would’ve never been born in Bethlehem as the prophets foretold.”
Plus, this outfit will make it easier to do some crop-dusting during practice.
Eww!
“This will inevitably be the first ever re-enactment of the Nativity when Caesar Augustus, the first Roman Emperor, wore an athletic supporter as an undergarment,” I sarcastically stated after quickly removing my own trousers.
“Correct me if I’m wrong,” mocked Huckleberry Finn, eyeballing my scantily clad frame. “I’ve never heard of a lowly shepherd from Bethlehem wearing a string bikini under his cloak and tunic.”
For your information, they’re bikini briefs.
Potato, potahto.
“Enough with the cat fight, girls,” cautioned James “Jimmy” Bubb Jr., urging these feuding showoffs to expeditiously change into their costumes. “Let’s call it a draw so we can get this show on the road; because I’m not sitting through a repeat of that drag show we witnessed at the end of last year.”
Shortly after affixing a woven cloth atop his own head, Dirk helped my big brother and me attach them to our individual noggins as everyone filed onto the platform for our final run-through before the main event on Sunday evening.
“Bikini briefs?” quizzed the Riverside sophomore, stopping me short of the door to question my choice of undergarments.
“What do you wear underneath your clothes,” I queried, looking up at my self-appointed guardian angel with a mischievous look in my eyes.
Tighty-whities!
“Well… I’m trying to emulate all those bodybuilders in my Muscle & Fitness magazine subscription,” I candidly noted prior to playfully slapping the interrogator-in-chief on the hindquarters as we made our exit.
Put that in your pipe and smoke it!
Once our practice session commenced with the Huckmeister proclaiming that all the world should be taxed, Jimmy and his girlfriend, Maria Pellicano, who had a Nerf basketball stuffed under her garments, went on an imaginary road trip from Nazareth to Bethlehem.
Not long after the innkeeper guided the young couple to a lowly stable on the edge of town, Dirk, John and I pretended to prod a make-believe flock of sheep up the center aisle to a quiet field outside the city limits.
Just as the angels disappeared into the heavens following the miraculous birth announcement of God’s own son, the three of us started breathing in toxic fumes.
What’s that funky smell?
That jive turkey’s going to pay the piper this time.
Dogpile!
“You’re dead meat now, you crop-dusting fairy,” promised the Riverside track star as the trio of shepherds, three wise men and Joseph all dove directly on top of Caesar Augustus, who had been standing near the communion table in front of the pulpit.
“Stop this sacrilegious behavior before I come down there with a belt and give each of you thirty lashes,” shouted Mom with righteous indignation, standing in the balcony at the back of the echo chamber.
The Emperor of Rome just crop-dusted the entire village of Bethlehem.
“David Alexander Allen,” fumed the mother of four, instructing the guilty party to exit the would-be theater to take care of business. “Get downstairs to the men’s restroom this instant; and don’t even think about showing your face again until you’ve thoroughly cleaned out those bowels.”
As Huck shuffled down the side aisle toward his intended destination, the laughter of his friends reverberated about the room, a reminder that even the best-laid plans can go hilariously awry.