A would-be royal wedding

Upon stepping from the regal family station wagon, I could hear the harmonic sound of bells ringing from a steeple high above our heads.

As the House of Price stood in the shadow of a magnificent cathedral awaiting my mother’s youngest sister to arrive for a double-ring ceremony to her betrothed, I fully expected Aunt Sharen to pull up in a horse-drawn carriage to the jubilant cheers of a large crowd gathered on the steps to get a brief glimpse of the blushing bride.

Although First United Methodist Church in McKeesport, Pennsylvania paled in comparison to the majestic splendor of Westminster Abbey, it had all the hallmarks of a would-be royal wedding that included one of the finest wedding venues in the Pittsburgh tri-state area as well as musical selections from the King of Rock and Roll – who had sadly passed away nearly eight months before the celebrated event.

By all accounts, it was akin to attending the coronation ceremony for the next monarch in the line of succession to the throne with regard to the overactive imagination of this 11-year-old budding writer.

Since my soon-to-be new uncle was Elvis Presley’s biggest fan – who remarkably looked like the perfect impersonator except for his slicked back blond locks instead of jet-black – I’m surprised he didn’t saunter out onto the platform wearing the iconic white bell-bottomed jumpsuit singing “Love Me Tender” with his groomsmen acting as backup to enhance the sentimental performance.

Instead, my animated siblings and I sashayed down the center aisle while snapping our fingers to the rhythmic beat of “Chapel of Love” by The Dixie Cups which emitted from the sound system behind the colossal pipe organ situated in the enormous balcony overhead.

However, our amusing tomfoolery came to an abrupt end once Mom and Dad stopped to speak to another family member prior to leading us into one of the many wooden church pews filling the cavernous sanctuary; and to think that we were just about ready to break out into a full-blown square dance with the next selection on the playlist.

Besides, I could have sworn that Dixie cups were a brand of little disposable paper cups hanging from a wall-mounted dispenser in public restrooms; because I just saw one while making a pit stop at a roadside gas station on our way down to McKeesport.

The wedding went off without a hitch!

Directly after the minister presented Mr. and Mrs. Kenneth Daniel Honick, Sr. to those in attendance, the newlyweds sauntered down the center aisle to “Let Me Be Your Teddy Bear” by the king himself as we fell in behind the recessional with all the other invited guests; after which everyone gathered on the front steps of the giant edifice to shower the happily married couple with rice as a blessing for fertility and prosperity.

While the affectionate lovebirds sped off in a stretched limo for a scenic photography session in Renziehausen Park that was situated along Eden Park Boulevard, the ceremony attendees scampered into the church basement which doubled as a reception hall to kick off the post-wedding celebration until the red-carpet arrival of the bridal party.

Following the introduction of the bride and groom along with their handpicked attendants – maid of honor and best man as well as bridesmaids and groomsmen – while making a grand entrance, several short speeches were given before the ceremonial cutting of the cake which was served with a five-course meal; whereupon the disc jockey had a number of family members and other guests alike swaying their hips to a pre-approved Elvis playlist that included “Blue Suede Shoes,” “Jailhouse Rock” and “Hound Dog.”

Immediately after the popular genre of music kicked off with the happy couple’s first dance to “Can’t Help Falling in Love,” these Farrell cousins each scarfed down a generous slice of wedding cake infused with sugary additives to give us a burst of energy to explore the catacomb-like tunnels in the underbelly of the ginormous church.

You’ll never believe what we found – a bona fide bowling alley!

Not long after Angelo Pomposelli, Jr. figured out how to turn on the power switch for the pinsetter, the youngest generation of the Farrell clan played a highly competitive game of “Bowling for Pennies” prior to a loud noise in the pin deck area which sent us running for our lives without turning off the electricity.

When our adventurous bunch finally returned to the joyous festivities taking place inside the spacious fellowship hall, the master of ceremonies promptly announced the bouquet and garter belt toss; after which he encouraged all the single ladies as well as the single men to gather around for their respective events.

Moments after Aunt Sharen turned her back on a cluster of excited young women engaging in playful banter with one another, she tossed the color-coordinated bouquet over her head as the intended targets pulled out all the stops in a concentrated effort to snatch the coveted prize and claim it for themselves.

Norma Ziegler – the bride’s best friend and maid of honor won the day!

But you’re never going to guess who caught the garter belt – this dumbfounded sixth grader!

Due to the fact I was born with a mild case of cerebral palsy, one might assume I would’ve been picking myself up off the floor after the chaotic brouhaha; and don’t even ask me why these young whippersnappers were even allowed to participate in such an activity, because I haven’t the foggiest idea who approved it.

Unbeknownst to me, I was then required to shimmy the garter belt up my surrogate aunt’s thigh as she carefully lifted her dress to the sound of the Pink Panther theme song.

This bashful little stripling looked like a deer in headlights; because I would’ve rather crawled underneath one of those wooden church pews upstairs in the sanctuary then take part in the provocative scene.

It’s a wonder I wasn’t scarred for life!