Brandt’s Corner
Things in life often become stagnant. Blame that on whatever factor you wish, but few things keep me entertained with their status quo. Cue a late-night question from my friend Taylor in a group chat, and now I have the idea of re-structuring the NFL as we know it.
‘Why is Dallas in the NFC East?’ he asked us, to which I explained that some of the divisions in the highest level of football just don’t make sense, but it boils down to history and rivalries, really. He told me I should re-imagine the divisions for an article, and now you, the readers of Sampson County, are blessed with the brainchild of that Sunday night conversation.
There will be some big changes, like teams going from the NFC to the AFC and vice versa. Sometimes I may even strip an entire division and replace all of the teams with new ones just for fun. There are absolutely no rules when it comes to the ensuing chaos — I care not for rivalries, geographical boundaries, or any other arbitrary rule.
AFC North — Rust Belt
Everything I just said about no rules or anything of the like, throw it out for this division. I grew up in the intersection of three — arguably four — of these teams in northeast Ohio. When the Browns left, shortly before Brandt was born, some of the fandom left with them. Art Modell moved not just the team, but a sizeable chunk of the fan base to the crab-eating city in Maryland. With my close proximity to Cleveland and Pittsburgh and somewhat Cincinnati, too, my little neck of the woods was nearly the geographical center of the three cities that aren’t Baltimore.
With a Reese’s peanut butter cup, I could be swayed to replaced the Rat Birds of B’more with Josh Allen and the Buffalo Bills. I think they are the best fit as a replacement in the Rust Belt division. Geographically — which I just said doesn’t matter — they are one of only a few other teams that exist in the region. I could probably be swayed into picking the Lions for this division, too. But for now, I’m leaving it alone and keeping it how it was.
AFC East — Concrete Jungles
Are you ready for the first time we have someone cross over from the NFC to the AFC? I sure am. Let’s get to it.
New England, Philly, and the two New York City teams (which are actually in New Jersey) make up my next conference. I don’t care that half of these teams are currently in the NFC. They have been reassigned. I want as many fights between fans and players (amongst their respective populations, or they can fight each other for all I really care) as possible. Absolute carnage. Chaos. Blood, sweat, and tears.
I once again almost substituted Buffalo in here so Philly could exist in another division, but I like the idea of two New Yorks, a Philly, and a Boston team all playing each other twice a year. Doesn’t that sound fun? Especially when you think about all the fans taking the same public transportation to leave the stadium after these games. An Eagles-Patriots brawl could cripple the infrastructure of the entire eastern seaboard.
AFC South — Middle of Nowhere
Things are getting even funkier now. Chaos is what I’m going for here, so bear with me.
What if we took the Colts, Commanders, Panthers, and Titans and put them all in a division together? Well, then you’d have the AFC’s new Middle of Nowhere division. This part of the country is really hard to group together and make sense, and with how the current divisions are, I felt like this would create fun new rivalries.
These are teams that I’m just not sure to do with. They don’t really fit into my other divisions, or if they do, others just fit better. I know that these teams aren’t actually in the middle of nowhere, as they are all in fairly big cities, but how else would you name this hodge-podge group of random teams across the North, South, and even the East coast?
AFC West — California Love
This might be the simplest division I make. Everyone in California just plays each other, and since the Raiders were there forever, and didn’t move far away, they’re the fourth member of the division.
Logistically, this just makes a ton of sense. The Rams and Chargers already share SoFi Stadium. The Rams and 49ers are already in the NFC West together. The Chargers and Raiders make up half of the AFC West. I really nailed this one here.
Although I set out for most of these to be free from the constraints of geography, but sometimes things just work out that way. I’m a big fan of logistics and if we can cut down on commute times, why not? Plus there are like 17 total Charger fans worldwide, so allowing them to have four games all at ‘home’ will surely help them out.
NFC North — Great Lakes
This could be the most competitive of all of the new divisions I have created, and even if it’s not, it’s by far the most fun. Granted, 10-20 years ago, this would be the laughing stock of the league, but today’s NFL is different.
I want the Bills, Lions, Packers, and Bears to all play each other twice a season. I took the Vikings out of the NFC North because I have another fun division for them to be in, plus I think the Bills fit better here. There’s just something about the vibes that I don’t think the Vikes meet with the rest of these teams. Can you imagine Dan Campbell and Josh Allen facing off every year? In my head — and this scenario — coaches and players don’t retire and they are stuck playing and coaching for eternity. I don’t make the rules, unfortunately.
The coolest part of this division is that many of the teams are connected via bodies of water (its namesake), so if a snow storm hit the region in the late season (which it often does), teams could theoretically travel via boat to face off against each other, which in my mind is about the coolest thing I can think of.
NFC East — Florida-Georgia Line
I really enjoy having teams with fan bases close to each other play a bunch for some reason. I think what creates some of the best rivalries is having your rivals be right next door — look at Pittsburgh-Cleveland, Ohio State-Michigan, or Auburn-Alabama. I wish that four teams still existed in one state, like California had until the Raiders left a couple years ago, but since we don’t have that, this will do.
Give me all three Florida teams and their neighbors to the north, Atlanta. I think intense rivalries could come out of this. The Buccaneers and Falcons already play in the NFC South, so a rivalry is already budding there. It’s not as intense as the Atlanta-New Orleans drama that happens every time those two teams clash, but there is enough of one there to know that it would continue should they be put into the newly formed Florida-Georgia Line division.
NFC South — Don’t be a Menace to South Central
Alright, I will admit that this title is far too long to be the actual name of a division — and that’s after I shortened the original phrase, too. But how else would I name the division for the teams located in Texas, Louisiana, and Missouri (but often confused with Kansas)?
I’m putting the Cowboys, Texans, Chiefs, and Saints all together. That sounds like a really fun mix of different styles of football, passionate fan bases, and storied franchises that date back far beyond me, plus recent success. A lot of competition could be had here, and even a passing of the torch from Mahomes and Prescott to Stroud and maybe whoever the Saints find, if they ever do.
Putting New Orleans and Houston — two pretty close cities — in the same division to play yearly just makes it mean more, in my opinion. Plus, having the Cowboys have to play another Texas team would be hilarious in my eyes, because their fans would absolutely melt down if they lost to the Texans multiple times. Jerry Jones might even sell the team if that happened, which I think is ideal for everyone else in the league.
NFC West — Upside Down
With probably the most confusing name of any of my revamped NFL divisions, this one probably also involves the most travel, but once again, I think it would be a fun shake-up. Arizona, Seattle, Denver, and Minnesota all in the same division, fighting some years for mediocrity and others for dominance, would just be super fun in my eyes.
Half the teams already play each other, anyways. Why not schedule two very random opponents for them yearly by putting them in a very large division that spans at least seven different states, if not more, when traveling from one city to the next? Why couldn’t the new NFC West have a team that’s actually in the upper-midwest? Currently, Dallas plays in the NFC East. At one point, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers played in the AFC West, so sometimes the geography of things doesn’t matter in the NFL.
But, with three of these teams being near the top of the continental United States, and one at the bottom, I figured this was a fitting name.
Reach Brandt Young at (910) 247-9036, at byoung@clintonnc.com, or on the Sampson Independent Facebook page.